What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 00:08
All the time i was locked up.
I write beautiful poetry .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Put me off passion for life!!
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
What is something you have to share?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I could never make a relationship work though!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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But, we were locked up after school.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What is your juiciest sex story?
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
What's an underrated/unknown novel or series that you think deserves more attention?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ive learnt so much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I will be 64.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was scared of men, in general
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My life is so biszare .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She wouldn,t have been !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Who then, do I blame.?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was seconnd youngest,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were not on the streets..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i lived it daily.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Would this be the day?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He knew the spot.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When she asked me how she looked .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I said to her
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
Im still living with it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My family never makes their pension either.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She loved him until the end.
What did i know ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it wasn’t much.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was in good health!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was very sick at this time too.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Comes on , in middle age.
So whats the point in blame.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We all went to grammer schools
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He resisted the act ,that day.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She found it foreign!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot live in the past .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I waited trembling.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I don,t even have a pension.
It was going to be , some day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I have no regrets .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She married twice! .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So, i spoilt her more .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I think the readers, may guess!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But ive been too sick for many years..